Extra Time!

Imagine heading down the local courts for a game of five-a-side with your mates, and Zinedine Zidane shows up. Silky skills indeed.

Call the cops cleaners. Sadly no moving pictures in this one, Toon striker Shola Ameobi called the police last month as his home had been ransacked by burglars. Cheque books missing, the lot. Except it hadn’t. When the police arrived Ameobi realised he hadn’t actually been burgled, his home was just a bit of a tip.

This game is just brilliant should you need to waste 10 minutes of your life. Name all 72 Football League clubs in less than 10 minutes. It’s not actually as easy as you’d think! Without cheating (no Googling in a second screen!) we got over 65, but not every last one. And no, we’re not telling you who we forgot.

This month we also loved the story of Masal Bugduv, a 16-year-old Moldovan wonderkid who was top of Arsene Wenger’s hitlist. Sounds plausible enough, especially since the Times had him at number 30 in their list of the world’s most promising players. Except Masal Bugduv doesn’t exist. At least the Times took it on the chin.

From someone who doesn't exist, to someone who still definitely exists. Bishop Auckland held a minute's silence, with 2,000 fans joining in, to mark ex-player Tommy Farrer's sad passing. And then found out he was alive and kicking.

So Kaka didn’t join Man City in the end then. Although they did get Craig Bellamy, a fine replacement who’ll do wonders for team morale, we’re sure you’ll agree. Anyway, what didn’t quite make the news was Stoke’s bid for the Brazilian superstar: “We made an offer and it was turned down, we offered Stoke-on-Trent,” deadpanned Stoke boss Tony Pulis. City fan Barry Winston will also be cursing after he got himself a nice tattoo of the Brazilian superstar. Although we've not seen this reported in the UK, so it could be a Photoshop job...

Meanwhile in Spain Atletico Madrid's Primera Liga match at home to Athletic Bilbao was halted after the away following began pelting the away keeper with snowballs. And in Croatia Dino Drpic has been released by Dinamo Zagreb after his glamour model wife revealed he'd been performing in the centre-circle in more ways than one. Tabloid writers across the UK jumped for joy as they once again got to use the word 'romp'.

But no Fan Mail is complete without a jibe at Ronaldo. Sorry, United fans. We know he’s brilliant but you’d feel the same if he played for someone else, come on. Anyway, the Portuguese boy wonder has trademarked CR9, which will in no way add to rumours he’s going to walk out of Old Trafford and his number seven shirt. No way.

And to finish off, Zaki's miss at Eastlands. Unbelievable. We don't know why the added smiley face humours us - but it does.