Y’alreet bonny lad/lass? (Welcome to Newcastle)

This year’s get together is being held in Newcastle, formerly the dank industrial Mecca of the north east, now a thriving city overflowing with modern architectural monstrosities and classy Victorian buildings that just ooze culture.

For those who do want to take in the artier and more intellectual parts of the Toon you’re pretty much spoilt for choice. The city is awash with shops, pubs, restaurants, beautiful architecture and sites of interest, including the remains of the city walls and historic keep, Grey Street, Grey’s Monument (below) and the Theatre Royal.

If you haven’t been before, there’s plenty to see and we thoroughly recommend taking advantage of one of the open top bus tours around the city. They usually leave from Central Station on the hour but at peak times there is an additional bus which leaves at half past. If that’s not really your thing, though, we’ve done our best to paint you a picture and have even created you a helpful Google Map showing important Conference landmarks.

The city is divided up into five main areas – Central Station, the Gate/St. James, Haymarket/Monument, the infamous Bigg Market and the Quayside.

Central Station is arguably the quietest area of the lot. Usually very busy in the early evening as people file off the Metro and jump out of taxis looking for that important first pint, it soon dies off as the rabble head for pastures new. Like everywhere in the city it has a couple of tacky chain bars (here’s looking at you Yates’!) but there’s some good’uns to be found too. The Centurion in Newcastle Central Station itself, the Head of Steam opposite and the Forth Hotel up Pink Lane all come highly recommended by the Northeast Division ale aficionados and it’s a fair bet that the Friday night pub crawl will include at least a pint in each of the three – if you visit one pub on your trip to Newcastle, make it the Centurion. 

The Gate is a retail and leisure complex located between Central Station and St. James’ Park, home to Newcastle United, consistently the planet’s worst run football club.

The Gate itself is home to a cinema as well as numerous bars and restaurants including the abomination that is Tiger Tiger – a ridiculously expensive club full to the brim of trendy haircuts, whose owners don’t mind paying through the nose for warm bottled lager while perching gingerly on gaudy furniture trying not to crease their Primarni threads (bought in Primark, modelled on Armani). We really like it. Can you tell?

Leaving Central station and walking away from the river you’ll climb the hill to Grey’s Monument, the dead centre of the city’s retail area. Carrying on you’ll head through Eldon Square indoor shopping centre, out onto Northumberland Street with its high street chains and up to the new travel “hub” at the Haymarket. It’s a shopper’s paradise, the true horror of which is unsurpassed by anything this side of, well, the Metro Centre, Gateshead’s famous out of town shopping centre a mere ten minutes away by bus, car, train or, in our case, forceful relocation of a press ganging nature.

Aaaaah, the Bigg Market. The golden mile of suspect takeaways, dodgy bars and people on steroids. The men really are Bigg, the ladies’ skirts are anything but, and if you don’t mind the “Did you spill my pint?” looks of fellow punters and having your ear drums ripped to shreds by group after group of cackling hen parties, then you may just enjoy yourself. Unless your name is Kevin Keegan or Bear Grylls, we advise you steer well clear.

Central to the experience of visiting Newcastle is the historic Quayside (above). Whether you want to sup a quiet pint over breathtaking views of the Tyne or dance the night away alongside women old enough to be your granddaughter, it’s all there, and it is here where the 2009 Fans’ Parliament takes place.

Renovated to within an inch of its rejuvenated life, the Quayside now houses some of the jewels in Newcastle’s crown, some of which aren’t even in Newcastle. The Baltic art gallery and The Sage take pride of place on the Gateshead side of the river Tyne, sparking the beautifully post-modern concept of Newcastle-Gateshead(-Edinburgh-Barcelona-Venus).

Housed in a landmark industrial building on the south bank, the Baltic (seen below from the Millennium Bridge at night) is the biggest gallery of its kind in the world – presenting a dynamic, diverse and international programme of contemporary visual art. A hundred or so yards closer to the iconic Tyne Bridge, The Sage Gateshead is a world-class music, education and entertainment facility.

During his time at Newcastle United, twig-boned England midfielder Kieron Dyer seemed almost incapable of crossing the river Tyne without crashing his car, but if you do make it over the Tyne Bridge, the Millennium Bridge or the Swing Bridge, the north bank – Newcastle – is where most of the action will be for the weekend of the conference.

Situated a coin-throw from the wet stuff, the Live Theatre is one of the oldest surviving buildings on the north side of the Tyne and plays host to the Conference itself, with the main Conference hotel, the Copthorne Newcastle, moments away slap-bang on the Quayside.