For weekend visitors it's probably easiest to break up the city centre distinct areas – Central Station, the Gate/St. James, Haymarket, the infamous Bigg Market and the Quayside. We'll work through each one pint-by-pint although it's impossible for us to cover them all, we'll give you a taste of the best bars. (We've already had moans that we don't cover the Gate/Bigg Market area enough. That's because they're largely rubbish. Sorry about that!)

CENTRAL STATION

A lot of visitors won't get much beyond the fringes of the Central Station area, particularly if they're only paying a fleeting visit to the city. Here's our guide to a few centrally located boozers that you will stumble across if it's the train that brings you up to Newcastle.

Located in Central Station itself, The Centurion is the bar of choice for the thirsty hoards spilling out of train carriages and into the city. Once your eyes adjust to how dimly lit it is you realise that the décor is none-too-bad either. Mind the temperamental retro gaming machines that litter the lobby, though, they’re sure to nick your shrapnel as you try to prove to you were once the best on your estate at Pacman.

The Union Rooms is a typical Wetherspoon’s full of typical Wetherspoon’s clientele, although don’t let that put you off. The building itself more than makes up for the fact, and if it wasn’t for the complete lack of music you could easily forget it was one. It wins brownie points for selling some semi-decent bottled lager from across the EU, too. If you’re a bit peckish there is the obligatory restaurant come bar on the first floor, however you’ll do well if you don’t brain yourself coming down the carpeted stone stairs.

The Head of Steam: a place for the cool kids. The basement acts as a music venue when someone half-decent from the local area gets big enough to ram them in, while the upper floor houses the main bar and is packed full of studenty types in cardigans and scarves. It’s always got a good buzz going on, though and a cracking selection of beer means it rates highly in our book.

The Forth is another boozer packed full of cool kids and decent beers. If you're more into loafers and Fosters than plimsoles and Staropramen this is probably not the place for you but we like it.

As the name suggests, The Long Bar is, well, a bloody long bar. Unfortunately it’s not that wide, so space is at a premium. If you can battle your way past the baying mob all trying to get the attention of the waitress and find a seat then you’re set for the night. If not then we hope you don’t mind standing shoulder to shoulder with bruisers in Ben Sherman shirts. Not a watering hole for the claustrophobic.

We really could go on for a long, long time when it comes to bars in Newcastle but we'll whip through the rest and say Tilleys, the Bodega and the Bacchus are all well worth a trip if you decide to move up here or something!

For those who are staying longer and heading further afield though there are plenty places well worth a visit too:

HAYMARKET/ST JAMES/THE GATE

Dividing the city up into chunks we'd suggest The Newcastle Arms is the place to head if you're into your real ales, especially as they've got their annual real ale festival on over this weekend. Oh, yes. The Newcastle Arms has been Newcastle's CAMRA pub of the year so many times now we've lost count and is a proper, traditional, city-centre boozer in the best possible way. If you'd like to pay it a visit head up towards Chinatown (next to St. James' Park) and it's a stones throw away from the big red arch.

There are plenty of other bars around this area, which can be loosely defined as the Haymarket. Goose at the Garden is definitely the biggest and cheapest but certainly not the best. As we always like to point out, it's not the size that counts but what you do with it. The most intriguing bar around here is the Trent House, not the easiest to find and the downstairs is about the size of someone's front room, but it's pretty cosy.

The Gate is a massive, new, glass-fronted complex hosting a cinema, casino, bars and restaurants. Through the day it's family friendly and OK. At night it turns into a sort of living hell. Think Stella-thirsty zombies and you're almost there. Even the Bigg Market has more going for it, speaking of which...

BIGG MARKET

The Bigg Market really should live up to all your preconceptions. Come 11pm on a weekend if you want a fight/kebab/flash of someone's knickers this is the place to be. If not, well, it's not. During the day the Beehive is OK for a pint or two though. Not a lot to say other than that, it's a very small area so find out for yourself - it'll be closed during the day though.

QUAYSIDE

The Quayside is now one of Britain's most stunning urban landscapes. You should see plenty of it at Fans' Parliament as our venue is down here. Come nightfall it also has its fair share of drinkers. There's a real mix of bars with plenty of choice, the Crown Posada is a pretty unusual one which is worth a visit. We doubt you'll find a thinnner bar in the UK!

There's a lot of choice down at the Quayside though - we'd suggest exploring yourself a little too. It's well worth having a wander along the river (easterly) towards the Ouseburn Valley too if you have a few hours to spare. It's a mile or so walk but once you get there you'll find all sorts of delights as it's Newcastle's hidden secret in terms of bars, with half-a-dozen (Cluny, Tyne Bar, Cumberland, Ship Inn, Free Trade, Tanners) corkers. We could devote a section to the Ouseburn in itself, but it's a little out the way so most probably won't get the chance to head across.

Now if all of that wasn't enough for you, check out The Burglar's Dog, which is not only hilariously funny (and vitriolic/sweary - you have been warned) but also covers literally every bar in the city centre. This website is a very good way to while away a few hours research into Newcastle, we promise.